How To Deal With Guilt And Shame?
It is natural for parents to feel guilty when they leave their children for a vacation, a business trip, or even for making poor decisions. This guilt is because we know we could do better leads to self-destructive behavior and, in the worst case, shaming ourselves.
You can feel guilty and shame yourself, but we also have the freedom to choose again, to make a new choice, and learn from the past.
In today’s episode, we will define what guilt is, the difference between guilt and shame, and what parents should do whenever their children feel guilty or ashamed.
What is Guilt?
Guilt is a feeling regarding a behavior. For instance, “I went away when I shouldn't have gone away, is a feeling of guilt”. Where shame is, an example would be, “I'm a bad mom.”
Whenever I feel guilty, I make a new choice. I look at my behavior and ask myself, "How can I do better, how can I be better, and how can I get better?”
We humans are endowed with the ability to choose. We all have a choice to change the circumstance around us and how we feel about them. In this new moment, we can all make different choices. We can choose to feel bad or feel good.
What's the difference between guilt and shame?
Brené Brown conducted extensive research and defined all of these emotions, stating that there is a distinction between shaming and feeling guilty.
Shame is self-destructive, where we identify ourselves as bad or not good enough. If it's identified by us, that's a shame, and it's very self-destructive. Guilt is when we don't like our behavior and what we're doing at the moment.
Identifying yourself with a negative expression is shameful. It ties it to self-destruction. While guilt can be very constructive, it can actually help us do better and make a new choice if we decide to.
It can go two ways. It can either take us on the “shame trip” and get us into self-destructive behavior, or it can help us with constructive feedback and move towards doing better and making a new choice.
Take Away
Let's take guilt as constructive feedback about our behavior and do something about it. Let’s take the time to learn new habits. If we have to learn new strategies, try something different, and come out of the behavior that we're not so happy about, or if it's not helping us do any better.
If you feel shame, you might have to rewire your self-belief, and if you feel guilty, take that behavior and take it as constructive feedback and make a new choice. All it takes is just a second to pause and step back. Self-regulate yourself and then engage in the conversation or make a new choice. This can be a game-changer.
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