Three Behaviors Parents Need To Avoid

Sometimes, we exhibit behaviours towards our children we don’t mean. When we’re tired, overwhelmed, or having bad days, we tend to respond to our children in an unloving way. Though we don’t do them consciously, we still end up hurting our kids.

Unknowingly, the spur of the moment display of anger towards them is affecting their mental and emotional well being. 

In this episode, I would love to share three behaviours we need to watch out for. Behaviours we can reflect on, learn to manage and avoid, for us to not to hurt our children.

Labelling Or Name Calling

How do you differentiate character and behaviour? Most of the time, we mistakenly focus on character rather than behaviour. We do this in a way that we give labels to our kids. An example would be calling them a spoiled brat. Spoiled Brat is like describing their character, putting a label of who they are. And sometimes, our kids take this to heart, and they may think ‘this is how my parents look at me’ which might translate to them believing in it.

Instead of focusing on character, we should focus on the behaviour. Being assertive is a more positive term than saying spoiled brat. This way, we get to watch our language, and avoid any hurt feelings in our children. 

Our language plays a huge role in our growing kids, the things we say becomes their vocabulary, and they carry it as they get older.

Blaming And Shaming

This behaviour is often missed by us. We tend to see it as really normal ways of interacting with our kids, but actually are creating a wall between them.

One example is when we tell a boy to stop crying because boys don’t cry. Believe it or not, but this can fall into shaming. It’s like telling them that crying is unnatural for boys, and they shouldn’t express how they feel. We might end up making them feel unworthy and distrustful of their own feelings.

Again, we need to watch our language. It doesn’t mean that we ignore the behaviour, it just means that we do it in a way that doesn’t put shame or blame on them. In this situation, we could ask them what’s wrong, listen to them, and explain the situation. We can put limits as discipline, but avoid words that can hurt them. 

Avoid The Words ‘Always And Never’

This doesn’t apply just with our relationship with our kids, but also with others. Always and never, when used in a negative phrase, seems final. According to research, these two words can affect motivation, self esteem, and the well being of a person. It's calling up somebody's character, and not their behavior.

If you use always and never towards someone, especially kids in a negative way, they might end up internalizing it and end up getting a fixed mindset of unhappiness. 

What Can We do?

As parents, we all have bad days, but no matter how bad it is we’re going through, we still need to be mindful of how our behaviour affects others, especially our children.

What can we do? Practice introspection and reflection. In stressful situations, instead of responding with anger or any negative emotions, we need to take time to examine and observe our mental and emotional process. In other words, we need to self-regulate.

S.O.L.V.E.

In self-regulating, I have a framework I share with my clients, and that is SOLVE. S stands for self-regulation, O stands for Observe, L stands for Listen and Limit, V stands for Validate and E stands for Empowered.

I practice this framework in my parenting life, especially during bad moments. And this acronym reminds me how to self-regulate.

 My mantra in parenting is “parenting is not about kiDS, it's about the parent, it's about us. Because most of the time, the things that are triggering us, are coming from our childhood. These are some of the wounds that were not healed. So it's about introspection, self-regulation and then observing what happened. After that, practice listening and creating limits, then validate and acknowledge their feelings. And finally, empower them to do what’s next.

It's not about what happened. It's not about dwelling in the past, it's not about dwelling on the incident, but it's about what's next. What can be done, so then you can empower them.

Conclusion

It’s not easy to change these behaviours as a parent, especially when we’re unconsciously doing it. However, to be the best parents to our children, we must learn to be conscious towards them, more so in the bad moments.

Our kids mirror us. We have to be good role models to them, because what they see now is who they become in the future. 

It may take a lot of practice, but definitely not impossible to do. So again, practice conscious parenting, self-regulate, and be the parent you needed as a child.