10 Phrases That Calms An Angry Child

Two common emotions that I witness with my children are anger and anxiety. And summer is here, everybody's together, no school. My 12-year-old and five-year-old will be together in the same space, just on top of each other, while I'm not home. And it has been a challenging transition from school to no school.

In this episode, I want to share some of the things that you can say to bring the co-regulation during heated moments with a child who is experiencing anger. And next week, we will be talking about the phrases you can say to an anxious child.

I’m Doing This To Keep Everyone Safe

When your child is angry, your initial reaction is to say STOP! Stop doing this, or stop doing that. But instead of commanding or demanding your child to stop, what you need to do is place a boundary. For example, instead of saying stop throwing things! You can say, I’m going to move these objects to keep everyone safe. 

That will give them a signal that you are not attacking them, rather you are saying that their behavior is not safe for everyone. So they will understand that this is coming from a safety perspective.

It’s Okay To Be Mad & Upset But Don’t Hit Your Brother

My little one has the habit of hitting. And usually, it’s because he is in a phase where he is in the comparison mode. And as parents, we might be tempted to get mad too and could say things like ‘don’t dare hit your brother!’ However, we need to shift our focus to what is acceptable for them. 

Instead, I say, ‘It's okay to be mad. It's okay to be upset. It's okay to be angry. Whatever emotions you think you're experiencing, I won't let you hit your brother’. This way, I am keeping everyone safe and showing him I'm not mad at him. 

Another thing that works for us is I take him away from other people and I stay with him while he's processing his emotions and calm down.

Big kids And Even Grownups Have Big Feelings  And It's Okay To Be Upset

Sometimes, people see older kids cry and some adults or parents would say, ‘Big kids don’t cry.’

But saying that is invalidating the emotion that the child is going through. It is important to emphasize processing emotions. 

Instead of saying ‘big kids don't do this or big kids don't get upset.’ You can say, ‘big kids and even grownups sometimes have big feelings and it's okay to be upset. These feelings will pass. Instead of just invalidating their emotions, instead of making them feel ashamed for having these feelings, we need to validate their feelings and acknowledge that it is okay.

This Is A Tough One, But We're Going To Figure This Out Together

Oftentimes, I hear frustrated parents say ‘you are being difficult!’ when their kids cry or throw tantrums. But this is labeling children in a bad way. Instead of just labeling the child, what you can say is, ‘okay, this is a tough one, but we're going to figure this out together.’ When you say this, the child understands that it's not them against their parents, rather it's them with their parents figuring it out together. You just have to identify the problem together.

What Can We Do To Make This Work For You?

Another thing parents say including me is ‘eat your food or you'll go to bed hungry!’. When you have you tried everything and you managed to make afresh meal and your child still doesn't want to eat.

In frustration, we just say, eat your food, or you will go to bed hungry because we don't want to give them other choices. So instead of saying that, what we can say is ‘what can we do to make this food work for you right now?’. Or you can also give them options. In my case, Indian food always has a variety of options in one meal. And you can just offer one or two of those instead.

Can You Come Up With A Solution? What Can We Do? 

My older one is in the phase where he usually says ‘I'm just saying!’, but to me, that always sounds like complaining. I find myself responding with the phrase, ‘Just stop complaining!’. 

I realized instead of saying that, I could say, ‘can you come up with a solution? What can we do? That way they are focusing on their problem, instead of just entertaining the thought that's not working in their head.

This allows them to be problem solvers and to move forward. Because I believe that it's always about moving forward, processing, and not just entertaining our thought. 

What Do You Need To Do To Be Ready To Leave?

For example, the other day we went to the park and when we were done, all we said was we are leaving. And then my child was starting to have a tantrum because he doesn’t want to leave. It doesn't bring any calm or doesn't bring any regulation in the circumstances, rather it aggravates the situation. 

So instead of that, how can we prepare our child to leave? Instead of forcing our agenda on them, we want to say, ‘what do you need to do to be ready to leave?’ Or ‘we're leaving in one minute, what is the last thing that you want to do before we go?’. You can experiment with what works for your child, but for me, it works to prepare them ahead of time. It gives them enough time for transition.

I Feel Like We're Having A Hard Time Here. What Can We Do?

 I have heard this a few times where an adult says ‘you're impossible!’. When you say you are impossible, you're shaming your child and saying they don't have their act together, or they are impossible to deal with. 

So instead of saying you're impossible, what you can say ‘I feel like we're having a hard time here. What can we do? Acknowledge that they're having a hard time and move forward by saying, what can we do to solve this? This way you don’t shame them, instead, you empower them.

I'm Going To Stay Right Here By Your Side Until You're Ready 

When parents punish their kids, you will often hear the phrase ‘go to your room!’. Instead of saying, go to your room, you can say, ‘I'm going to stay right here by you until you're ready.’ It always works with my little one. You want to make sure that you stay with the child and self-regulate with him or co-regulate with you.

In that case, you want to make sure that you are with the child instead of separating the child and punishing him, and leaving him in another space.

I Am Starting To Get Frustrated. I Need A Five Minute To Myself

When you're upset or when you're having a hard time you might end up saying to your child ‘I can't talk to you right now or I can't deal it with you right now.’ In that situation, the child feels like you’re attacking them. They might think that they are the problem and they are the issue. 

And you don't want to shame or make them feel guilty. Instead, you need to work on your self-regulation. So what you can say is ‘I am starting to get frustrated, I need a five minute to myself. I'll be right back.’ You can leave the space for five minutes for you to be able to self-regulate.

These are some of the ten phrases you can use with your child when they’re experiencing anger. I hope this helps! We were not able to get to the anxiety phrases, but we will get to them next week.

Stay tuned to learn about what to say to a child who's feeling anxious and how to co-regulate with them.