Are you tired of your kids fighting?
Are you tired of your kids fighting over toys, for sitting next to you at the dinner table, during playtime, more than ever? You are not alone!
In the last year, I have had more of these situations at home than ever before. There's so much going on, there's so many changes happening, we're just not able to deal with the uncertainty. And similarly, our kids are also dealing with a tonne of uncertainty.
Today I want to share 5 strategies to ease up the frustration at home. I will share some of the factors that can promote sibling peace and emotion regulations, so that your child can feel seen, heard and loved. No matter what they do.
Strategy 1: change your mindset
Whenever I witness sibling rivalries, the very first strategy that I like to work on is to change my mindset. I want to see the situation from a different perspective. Instead of looking at the fights as a way of creating frustration and creating more conflicts, I like to remind myself that it's not that they are giving me a hard time, it's that they are having a hard time.
My kids are having a hard time right now and they're not able to regulate their emotions and solve the problem. They are just in a hot mess right now, and when we're in a hot mess, we can't think straight. That's what's happening with my kids, my kids are having a hard time. This isn't anybody's fault, I'm not there to blame anyone. I'm just there to witness the conflict and make sure that my kids are safe and let them solve their problems, let them solve the conflict.
As a parent, you really want your kids to learn the skill of problem solving. I don't like to go in between their conflict, unless it's dangerous or it's not safe. When I do get in between their fights, I don't blame or shame my kids. I’d rather look at things from a different perspective. That's when I go to strategy number two!
Strategy 2: be curious
Strategy number 2 is being curious! I always try to be curious about why they're doing what they're doing, and why this is happening. So instead of saying “what did you do?!”, I have been saying “what happened?”. That way, I give space to both of my children to put their point across and to give them a chance to tell their stories.
We all have a different perspective. That’s why I give them their space to open up and to share their part of the conflict that’s happening. Being curious is about not assuming that someone did something, but to give the children the opportunity to explain their viewpoint.
Strategy 3: listen
My third strategy is listening. I really like to listen to my children. Letting them tell their stories without interrupting them, and without judging them. That's my way of providing them space to open up and share. So again, I focus on being curious and listen to what they have to tell me and what they experience.
Strategy 4: emotion regulation skills
Then my fourth strategy is working on emotion regulation skills. It really is so important to acknowledge and validate your children’s emotions so that they can feel heard, seen and that they matter.
First of all, I always like to acknowledge my kid’s feelings. For example, whenever both the brothers are fighting, it's the little one who gets angry. He'll say “Man, I'm angry, I want to hit you”, or things like that. I like to acknowledge his emotions, so I just say “I see how angry you are. It looks like you're working really hard building that castle, and now you're short of your blocks. And it just makes sense that you're angry right now.”
The I tell my child “It's completely okay to be mad, but I won't let you hit your brother.” Tthis way I acknowledge and validate his emotions. But at the same time I utilise a loving boundary that I won't let him hit his brother. And then as a last step I like to repeat what I just said in simple words and make smaller sentences, so he can understand.
I feel this is the most important strategy for working on emotional regulation, because you really want your child to feel loved, cared, seen, and heard. Regardless of what they do, regardless of their actions.
Strategy 5: 1-on-1 connection
My fifth and final strategy is having one-on-one connection time with both of my children. So it's just me and my baby. No phones, no brother, and nobody else. I’ll just give him my undivided attention for 20 minutes, and then I'll do the same amount of time with my older son.
Giving your kids that one-on-one connection time will solidify the strategies that you used so far. This actually helps them to settle emotionally. In this connection time, I like to utilise this time and teach the lesson that I already talked about, that it is not okay to hit your brother. No matter what, you can get mad as you want, but we never hurt anyone. This last strategy gives me that teaching moment to talk about what's allowed and what's not allowed as a human being.
That’s it! I really want to remind you that it is hard to manage sibling conflicts, and it feels stressful. You are doing the best you can. Keep reminding yourself that you are doing the best you can, and then think about this list of strategies that I mentioned here. See what resonates and what works for you.
These are some of the things that I've tried and tested and have been working great. I hope they work for you as well.
Do you want to learn more conscious parenting strategies? Follow me on instagram @risewithmital.