Setting clear limits for our kids to feel safe

How can you respond when a child deliberately does something like throw a block at your head, draws on the couch, pinches the brother? 

When kids push boundaries and our limits, many of us get overwhelmed, annoyed, terrified, even up to the limit where we really want to punish our children to make them listen. This can all be so consuming and feels hard at times.

However, research has shown that punishments are actually very counterproductive, hurtful, and harmful. These yelling, spanking, shaming and other forms of punishment actually teach nothing to our kids. They might teach kids to obey, but out of guilt or fear, which can cause big problems like anxiety and depression down the road. When they no longer fear us, they'll no longer have a reason to cooperate or listen. 

So they will likely keep pushing our limits and disobeying not listening, ignoring us acting out until we respond with the clear limits. We need to set clear limits, in order for them to feel safe. I am going to share three steps on how to respond in situations where you kids are throwing and hitting. 

Step 1: Setting clear limits

We need to have simple, specific inconsistent limits. For example, if you want your kids to clean up their playroom, you want to make sure that you tell them in a way where it's easy to understand so instead of saying, “I need you to help me out today, we have so much to do”, you want to say, “all the cars need to go back in their baskets, or all blocks need to go into their tub”. 

Step 2: Change the physical environment 

After setting clear limits, step 2 is to change the physical environment to support the boundaries you set. Some examples for step two can be like when your kids already have cards playing, and now they want to take blocks out. You want them to put something back. So instead of saying “if you don't pick up your blocks, you won't get dessert tonight”, you can try and say “we can get more toys out as soon as the blocks are put away”. This way, it's more like you're connecting to the current situation and not connecting to the next event. That makes it easier for your kids.

Step 3: Accept and hold space for emotions

And now, step three, my favorite, the connection. It's all about accepting their feelings and holding space for your kids' emotions, because expressing disappointment and frustration in response to a set boundary is actually normal and healthy. Often a child's expression of disappointment can be a signal that they have heard us and have understood the limit, they've internalized the limit that we've set.

We need to understand that it's hard, not getting what you want. When you set the limit, and then change the physical environment, kids are likely to feel frustrated, and they're likely to get upset. And it's their right to feel every emotion. So let them feel what they're feeling. In fact, the more comfortable we can get with their tears as the natural part of life that it is, the better. We'll be able to set clear and consistent limits and build that emotional resilience for them.

Just accepting their emotions is the kindest way through the hard time. And the message that kids hear, and what kids need to hear, during this time is that you don't always get what you want, when you want. But you always have that space to feel however you feel. When you say “it sounds like you're really you're you're feeling really disappointed” they feel heard. That's what we want. When you say “it's okay to feel sad, it's hard to not get what you want”, they feel validated. And when you say, “I'm here, if you need a hug”, they feel supported.

I hope you are walking away with a concrete plan for the scenario when your child is deliberately doing something that you don't want them to do. You don't have to try all at once. Just take one step at a time and start small. Enjoy the process and let's connect with our kids!

Do you want to learn more conscious parenting strategies? Follow me on instagram @risewithmital.