How To Discipline Our Children In A Positive Manner

Disciplining a child can be a challenge, and sometimes it can be emotionally draining.

As kids are growing up, their emotions and attitudes are just developing. And sometimes they are still not able to control their emotions. Things as simple as doing chores can cause arguments and pressure in our relationship with them. Therefore, it's so essential that we discipline our children in a positive manner.

In this episode, I wanted to share what I've learned from the book No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind. A research, science, and spiritual based book that talks about how to discipline our children. Let's dive a little deeper into how we can positively discipline our children to take on certain habits for their physical, mental, developmental well-being.

Discipline Is A Lesson To Learn And Not A Punishment

It is natural for us parents to get mad, yell, and lecture our kids when they’re misbehaving. But, is this really the best way to discipline? This is often the traditional approach to disciplining our kids, using fear based punishments instead of focusing on the development of the child.

These ways of disciplining are what we have learned from our parents. We were never taught how to do it, we simply just practice how our parents disciplined us as kids. And there are several conventional ways that our parents practiced as a form of discipline.

Conventional Forms Of Discipline

Timeouts - This method is actually used by most of the parents. Even the most loving parents end up using timeouts wherein we expect the child to utilize the timeout as a time to reflect on their misbehaviors, little did we know that it rarely happens in that case, instead, children usually spend that timeout reflecting on how mean their parents are, and that tends to escalate the situation of disciplining.

Spanking - Spanking is a common form of disciplining. When kids get spanked, they end up becoming more fearful of their parents' actions. And so rather than focusing on our behavior as parents, we end up just making this physical punishment counterproductive and it goes against us.

Timeouts and spankings are initially applied to misbehaving children, regardless of the situation. But by doing these, we induce fear and resentment, which is not helpful to either parents or the kids. And so what if we change our thinking and approach discipline as an opportunity to learn valuable lessons instead of punishments. And in order for us to do this, we will have to emphasize that discipline needs to be taught over punishment, in a manner that's both more intentional and flexible. 

Take The Approach Or Discipline From Intention

We have to understand that we have to come across as not to punish them. Rather, to take this as a learning opportunity. I believe that discipline should be proactive instead of reactive because when we are reacting that just ends up being a punishment. And so if your intention is to discipline your child,you will have to be proactive, you will have to be deliberate with your actions. And you will have to be intentional and flexible to meet your child's needs.

The Long Term Goal Of Discipline

We all know that the short term goal for discipline is getting our children to cooperate with us. But the long term goal is helping our children improve their behaviors and relationship skills, connect and redirect. We have to build this connection with our child prior to redirecting them forward, or redirecting towards the acceptable behavior, habits or whatever you're trying to teach your children. And believe it or not, connection is really magical, and it's the only thing that can help our children go from reactive state to receptive state.

How To Build A Connection With Our Kids

I believe that it's all about listening, and being there, being present with them. To help them, to support them, to guide them during these difficult moments. We can build these connections with our children by offering them validation, acknowledge their efforts, or we can acknowledge or validate their emotions, communicate with comfort. An effective way to communicate is through nonverbal gestures, such as nodding, offering hugs, cuddles or touch, because some kids feel really connected through touch.

Listening Is The Foundation Of Connecting With Our Children

One thing that we can do is reflect back on what our child is experiencing, and active listening is so important in connection. When you don't know what exactly is happening, just repeat what they're saying. It makes them feel heard, it makes them feel like their feelings matter. It makes them feel validated.

I believe that to positively discipline our children, we will need to see their mind and recognize their internal state, we will have to meet where they are, and then join them in what we see and how we respond. It's about connection, and then redirection. It's about taking our kids from the receptive state to the reactive state. And we can do all this by connecting with them. So instead of punishing, let's choose disciplining by connecting with them, redirecting them, and by validating their emotions and actively listening to them.