Reframing The Sibling Dynamic

Six years ago, I made a mistake in my parenthood. When I was expecting my second child,

I made a mistake by not having a conversation with my older child about having a sibling. I got so carried away with the excitement of adding another bundle of joy to our family, that I totally forgot to address the safety needs of my older one.

In this episode, I want to share with you some of the things that we can do for our first child - how to make them feel safe, loved, and secure. We need to reframe the sibling dynamic and reconnect with our children.

Having A Sibling Is Like Having A Second Spouse

Imagine, your partner just comes home and says, “Hey, guess what, this is going to be my new wife and your new friend in the house, so make sure you take care of her”. How does that make you feel? All of a sudden, you have to share everything, room, clothes, belongings, and your partner. That's the feeling our kids get when we ask our child to get along with a sibling. It's like asking your partner to get along with their second spouse.

The way it comes out is like their safety is in danger now and that they don't belong. Somebody else is invading their space. Right. That's how siblings feel. It's important to have a conversation with our first child on what to expect. At the same time, making sure that our first child feels safe and their needs are being met. Loved, cared for, that they matter. It is important that the core needs are met.

Especially for little ones it is more confusing. All of a sudden they are expected to love 

their sibling, to share everything with them. It fills them with rage that no one could see. Their sibling become their competition.

All They Need Is A Feeling Of Connection

When this happens, it is important that we address their feelings of detachment early on. Otherwise, their rage grows into a lot of resentment for their siblings. 

One thing I learned, our kids want nothing more than to connect us. They want to feel loved, seen, cared for, and feel secure. What we can do is focus on both kids. We don't have to make them feel like they're equal, but we want to make sure that their needs are fulfilled, because each child may have different needs. Focus on how you can self regulate and how you can reconnect not only with your child but yourself.