Why Does My Child Not Listen To Me?
Recently, we found out my mom was Covid positive. And we’re all quarantining together in one house. And as we spend a lot of time together, there are moments we clash, especially around my four year old.
Dealing with a young child is not easy, when they go through tantrums especially during a stressful situation like now, I can’t help but ask myself - Why is my child not listening to me?
Again, I have to step back and reflect. Dr. Shefali has helped me in breaking down this behaviour from my child. And so today, I would like to dissect and share to you what I relearned from this question. We’ll break this question into three parts.
Why…
Usually, why is a simple question that just requires an answer. However, in this context, why implies resistance. If you’re asking from a perspective of where you think the other person is a problem, you are not ready to accept the reality of the situation. In this instance, asking yourself why my child is not listening to me? Means we really want to change it. So we pose this resistance through some form of a question.
My Child
When we say my child is not listening to me means two different things. Here, we think that the child has the power to change things, and should be given the responsibility to do so. The child here is seen as the problem and the solution at the same time. The other meaning is based on the belief system that the child needs to change, and gets fixed.
Does Not Listen To Me?
In this statement, we are actually seeking compliance. In other words, we expect our child to obey and cooperate. But what we don’t realize is that the compliance we're seeking to obtain from our children, is the very compliance that will work against them in their adult life. Dr. Shefali mentions, our children need to practice saying no to us as parents, so they can learn the ability to be assertive. Which will allow them to say no to authority figures or to peer pressure when necessary.
Instead of seeking compliance, we need to see authenticity. Instead of seeking blind obedience, we need to see assertiveness. We need to seek to listen, we need to attune and connect with our children.
Bottomline
What our children need is space. A safe space to be in their zone. We need to allow our children to have the power and choice as long as it’s safe. During these moments, we are able to teach and train them. We also need to connect with them in a way that we try to understand what’s underneath the tantrum, what’s causing them to behave the way they do.
In my experience, being quarantined caused distress in my child. He was overstimulated, tired, and not feeling well. Communication is key in this heat of the moment. Communicate with them in a non-judging and loving way. Ask them non-blaming questions, instead ask questions that show you care.
Our children need attention and love. More so in situations like this, we need to show them our support. All you gotta do is look underneath the behaviour, break down the situation, and offer a loving solution. Self-regulate and build that connection with your child.