Three Strategies To Take When Parenting Seems Imperfect

Recently, I came across a metaphor that was said by Stephen Covey. He said, before the plane takes off, the pilot has a perfect plan. A perfect strategy. But, what happens during the course of the flight? There’s wind, rain, turbulence, air traffic, human errors, and so forth. No matter how prepared the pilot is, there are circumstances along the journey he doesn’t have control of.

Same thing happens with parenting. We might have the perfect plan in place but just like flying a plane, we don't have control of the external factors that can always affect how we parent our children. All we can do is adapt and make adjustments to still stay true to our purpose, our goal.

In this episode, I would like to share with you three strategies you can do whenever you feel discouraged about being imperfect at parenting, and whenever you feel like you’re not a good enough parent. 

Parents Can Make Mistakes

There are days when you notice yourself not being perfect. And sometimes you feel like you're not the parent or the person you want to be. But you know what? That’s okay. It’s okay to make mistakes.

In a previous episode, we talked about how aiming for perfection is harmful for our kids. It’s the same thing with parenting, expecting for us to be a perfect parent and not make mistakes is just not the way to live. And even if you're committed to being the best parent or the perfect parent, we're still gonna mess up. We're still gonna mess up because we're not perfect human beings.

Rather than forcing ourselves or rather than feeling not good enough, let's remind ourselves that it's okay to feel hurt, it's okay to feel frustrated, it's okay to make mistakes. It’s okay, because the magic lies in the repair. 

Everytime we reconnect with our child after a disconnection, we teach them trust. Everytime we  choose to transform our anger, we model anger management. Everytime we choose to let go of perfection, we teach our children to model compassion, we teach our children self-compassion, to choose love, connection and to be in harmony with ourselves. 

Strategy 1: Notice Your Own Reaction

Parenting is about us, just like the airplane we're all actually equipped to notice when we get off track. We all know when we feel bad, that's when the beeping red light on the dashboard shows up. It’s our signal that we need to breathe, need to connect with ourselves, and the need to self regulate. So that's when we need to notice our reaction. It's all about self-regulating ourselves and reminding ourselves.

Another thing that you can do is to stop, spot and swap. Whenever you think that you know something is not feeling right, stop and observe what's going on. Spot what's happening. Notice, observe and then swap with what to do next. You can make a choice, a choice to control your emotions, to self-regulate. 

Strategy 2: Remind Yourself Of Your Destiny

Remind yourself of your family values, your own values, what’s important for you and your family. Focus on the goal and focus on the journey. Don't worry if you miss a turn when you’re driving to a destination, you just have to pause, check your navigation, then continue to your destination. Remind yourself of your target destination. Your vision of a relationship with your children.

Strategy 3: Choose To Reconnect

I always say that it's about choosing connection over correction. We all want to teach our children a lesson, but teaching them a lesson while they’re feeling anger won’t be effective. Being consumed with strong emotions won’t allow them to listen. Instead, find a way to reconnect with your child to make them feel safe then you can teach them a lesson later, when they’re calm and ready to listen. 

And when it's hard to reconnect with your child, you need to reconnect with yourself, regulate yourself first and then co-regulate with your child. 

Try these three strategies that will help you get back on track. Don't worry if you’ve been on the wrong path. Instead of sabotaging yourself, focus on how you can self-regulate and how you can reconnect with your child and yourself.